Blog #7 - Epic Waste of Time

Epic....is defined at Dictionary.com as noting or pertaining to a long poetic composition, usually centered upon a hero, in which a series of great achievements or events is narrated in elevated style.

Now what could I do that could be considered Epic and centered upon the hero, who I guess would be me as the stories main character? I guess I’m beginning to think I have more in common with Shakespeare than the referenced Homer, as these lessons are making me feel like I’m writing a great tragedy!

Recently, as I have settled into my single life I’m trying to pay attention to what I say before I say it, to look for signs from the woman I interact with. As I sat in a restaurant with a couple friends I was oblivious to apparent interest from a bartender. When she came over, she payed more attention to me than the others. My glass was never empty long, but my friends needed to ask. If you broke our group in 4Th's, she looked mostly into my area. Did I see this? No....it had to be pointed out to me, but before I finish this story let me give you some background.

Now I’ve had my fair share of missed opportunities with woman I might have met, had I done this or that. I’ve had my share of woman I should NOT have met. And Yes I have a few instances of dropping the proverbial ball!! The bottom line I miss signs of actual interest all the time and I’m trying to figure out why? I mean are girls difficult to read? Do they play games? Hide their wants? The short answer, I’m told is no, I’m just blind!!

I think this is a funny topic because I brag to my friends that “I got game” and I think its finally sinking in, my “game” is that I have no game! Lets start this discussion while seated at the bar....yes....the service bar! But the time frame we are going to start talking about, I didn’t know why I was seated there, just that I was!

Early on when I hit the town, I kind of used the quantity vs. quality game plan and then if that didn’t work, I moved on to the have another drink.. I didn’t know if anyone was interested in me, I just kept going until someone talked back and I went from there. And I learned a lot of lessons. Here's a great one to learn, and try and learn it the first time.

If you happen upon a large group of woman, flirty woman, in lets say a bachelorette outing scenario. The worst scenario ever to be caught in, because most of the stories the guys tell, its all smoke and mirrors, no real shot at anything. You can’t sheep dog your way in, charm it, or distract with the crows to steal away 1 with a tactic like the “Handoff” because these woman watch out for each other.  See its afun night for them. They are looking for a fun memory, and I’ve been part to a few, not as Icebreaker, but that’s a story that stays in the vault! But lets say you happen upon  a group, much like I did and you decide to use a direct approach and are welcomed with open arms. Don’t feel good, or great like I did nor should you have any lofty thoughts of a bed full of ladies (might have crossed my mind). Think this instead...Don’t buy shots!! or drinks for that matter!! Its a trap, not unlike those told in Greek mythology, where sailors are lured to their destruction by the wondrous songs of the Sirens, perched on the island as the ships pass. These Saloon Sirens welcome you in, surround you, and then milk you for free drinks with never a filthy thought! You become seduced by your own man thoughts and welcome the attention, while slowly draining your wallets life blood. I was sucked into this vortex and the word “Shots” spewed from my filthy word maker! It was received in a very positive manner, “Of course”, “sure” and I was further surrounded. Bosom's pressed into me from all sides, furthering knocking out my sense of clarity. Bartender, we need a round of “Red Headed Sluts”. I was giving myself points for a creativity and maybe a leading thought for a few of the ladies. I enjoyed my shot. They did as well, and suddenly I was on the outside of the pack, an outcast! Well I will work my way back in, “Bartender...” I was cut off, thankfully by the Dude. I was pulled from the clutches of destruction, saved from the simple truth, men think different that woman. I was given advice “Never buy shots, if your doing it right, they buy ‘em for you.” It was a tough lesson to learn, close to 60 bucks tough! Saloon Sirens....they still make me shutter! Now I’ve told you, but it won’t stop you, hell it might not stop me from trying again, but I will remember, No Shots!

Wish I could say this was the only lesson I had to learn or that I never mis-judged a woman, or never said the wrong thing, but hey, isn’t that what this about? I remember a tough night and as it happens, a rough one for a friend as well. We decided to hit the town and enjoy the night life in the hopes it would help us forget ours, if just for an evening. We cruised “The District” in search of a party and found one. We came we saw, I tried to conquer. My friend got all fetched up by a pair of tiny white shorts. (I’ll agree, well worth getting all fetched up about!) me, I just got fetched up and all bowed over! as the evening progressed I found myself talking a girl “with a great personality”. Now I mean it, she was nice, nice to talk to, but maybe not so nice to look at and I know that sounds jerky, but it was true!! A short time later a true friend stopped the conversation, pleasantly, before it turned into something else. We left for an OTB adventure. I think the term most appropriate is that I “threw responsibility away!” Sorry, yet another story for the vault. Maybe I should say the lesson I learned here is bring a buddy, he can save you from sleeping with the fat chick! LMAO! Sorry that’s terrible, but I’m already going to hell! Instead I’ll soften it up and say this. “All fetched up and bowed over” may be just what the doctor ordered, but its like mixing prescription meds, bad shit can happen if you don’t read the label!!

As I move toward my “epic” waste of time I thought I would share yet another silly situation I screwed up. I reconnected with an old friend early in the summer and on one particular occasion I met her out for a out for a drink. We had a nice time, enjoyed a laugh, reminisced about “back in the day”. Now it should be noted that around this same time my ex was in a new place and I had the house to myself. I was out of the boat, kinda of, I mean the boat was cool, and the have I told you about fridge....? I digress.... as we left the bistro she asked if I had a place to stay. I’d like to say I had keen situational awareness and responded with “Why no, I’ll probably just head to the boat.” or anything that sounded like I was between places. But I did not. What came forth from that horrible word maker was “Yeah, I totally moved back into my house! I’m excited to be home again.” As soon as I said it, I said to myself, “Self, your an idiot!” Now I don’t know where a different response  may have led, I do know that mine led me home, alone. Is anyone getting my point, its a wonder I’m not a 37 year old virgin!!

On to the Epic waste of time.....Where did I leave off, oh yes, I was missing signs in the roadway.  My friends decided I needed some words of wisdom as I had missed some obvious signs: “WTF is wrong with you, missing that shit!” Thanks that helps with the confidence. So I pay attention, and hey, they were right. I think this is where it all went wrong for me. See I don’t have game, so if I don’t know I’m playing, I do better. I attempted to woo her with charm, but I couldn't find any! I tried to be funny, because that comes naturally, and I wasn’t. I moved on to grounding, which helped but I couldn’t generate spark. To admit I have no game, and then to say I was way off my game, should paint a picture of how bad I was doing. Somehow she stayed interested and as her shift ended she said her good byes. I guess the one thing I did right was ask her to stay and join us for a drink, which she happily agreed. (Still doing research for my previous article Coin v. Kind) She talked about boyfriend trouble, and I’m happy to say her voice didn’t annoy me. See I there is a woman I know, whose voice is similar to nails a chalk board, but I’m mostly nice, so I haven’t said anything....yet! Long story short, somewhere in here I allowed her to loose all interest in what ever she thought she might have found. A friend, asked point blank if she would go out with me.  A firm No was stated, followed by “I’m sorry hun, its nothing personal.” Ha........ Epic waste of time and energy on a bartender, but I'm not ready to say my ex was right just yet!

I had a short debate with my friends about this epic waste of an evening. They agree, I have no game, or at least not on that night. Thanks!!! They also pointed out an interesting theory. I may be the “Safe Guy” so women let their guard down around me. I just need to learn to use that. But see in reality, nothing is an Epic waste of time, I learned that I’m the Safe Guy, that words are like bullets, you can’t get them back, and to say No Shots when Salon Sirens are involved. I have new tools to learn to use and although I may be the safe guy because I have no idea what I’m doing,  I can say, I’m having fun doing it!

Icebreaker out!.

Blog #6 - Coin vs. Kind!

This particular blog has taken some time to write. I have stories and ideas but as I started to write them, well they just weren't funny. I felt like I was loosing my mojo and then the unthinkable happened. My ex-wife decided to give me some advice, because you know, she likes to look out for me. Now,  I know that sounds “cheeky” and “sarcastic” but coming from her, it is,  isn’t, I meant isn’t!! HA! In the grand scheme, she was my “muse” for this edition. I was thinking about writing on a topic that kind of parallelled her advice so I’ll see if can combine them into something interesting... But first things first, the advice:

Bartenders, by the nature of their job, are nice to everyone because...wait for it.... they work on TIPS.

So after the shock of the news flash passed, I decided that she had a theory, which would require testing. So over a cold beer I thought about how much she likes to “help” me, and about how much I like to prove her wrong. But its all in good fun, right? Anyway, I jumped right in, both feet and head first, no wait....well....here’s the story of Coin versus Kind.

I guess first I should say that I spend some time at the bars, No, seriously, I do! Its called research people!! I mean how else do I come up with this stuff, because you CAN’T make it up!!! The advice came from a misguided thought that I was barking up the wrong tree and my ex wanted me to know that I was probably being manipulated. That being a newly single man, I may have forgotten that women who work, and get tips are always nice to potential customers. But I beg to differ. As the Icebreaker I know a thing or two about mis-reading women! {Screen wobbles and eerie music plays as I remember a close call} The early summer was in full swing. I was in a daze, still confused about being single. I was in an strange emotional place where a total lack of caring was confused as an ability to talk to woman. So as I started talking to different people I came across a young lady, very pretty, smart, kind, and, I thought a bit flirty. So being a “guy,” naturally I thought that she was into me...hanging on my every word. I continued to talk with her. I flirted, innocently, she talked to me. Key word there, she talked to me. Now for a guy, who was wondering if he still “had it”, any positive reinforcement was immediately mis-read and translated into “How you doin?”by yours truly. I thought she wanted me, and in reality she wanted me to.....leave her alone and stop harassing her! HA!

Now it didn’t get that bad but she was about 3 weeks from her wedding and was just nice. Now why am I telling you this, because she was not unlike a bartender, talking to people because its what they do. So I took a lesson from my almost public humiliation and moved directly to bars, because woman I know can confuse me! From that life lesson I began looking for a “safe” place to relax, enjoy a beer, and practice my rusty skills....yes a bar!

The Dude says, start at the service bar. Which is new to me, because I say sit with your back to the door, you never know what might come in. Then almost by accident that gave us the opportunity to talk to the  bartenders. Now (read using a British accent) whilst observing the prey in its natural habitat, (back to American blog English) I realized 2 things. 1st they get hit on by every Tom, Dick, and Harry, and 2nd if they know you, your chances of getting drink quick go up fast! So now you know how the ex’s advice ties into my real topic, Get the bartender to know you!.

Everyone who sits down can “know” the bartender. Hell if the bar is busy, I listen to the people around me until I hear a name that works and then I start to shout it out. But how to settle the Coin vs. Kind debate. Well let me let you in a secret, bartenders are like nurses, they smile, they help make you feel better, but when its time to tell you to STFU, (Shut The Fuck Up) they don’t waste time. So rule 1, don’t be told to STFU!!  The next thing I learned was that before they remember you, they remember what you drink, case in point I was Kettle and Soda at one place, Jack and Ginger at another, Shock Top, and for a short stint I was Gin Martini extra dirty 3 olives (that had a bad ending but I blame Taco Bell not the martini....) Oh and at once place I was “Get out and don’t come back!” but that was really the midgets fault! Seriously it was but due to certain legal “ramifications” its best I keep that story in the vault...and don’t go getting MADD at me either, I always have a ride and in order to properly research this topic I needed to cover a vast area.

Whats my point? I order the same drink at the same place so that I get what they call “brand recognition.” It seems silly but if I walk in with a “friend” and I’m immediately given a drink, followed by “What will she have?” It makes you look a little taller for the rest of the evening. The bottom line is, bartenders have heard every pick-up line in the book so forget them, so unless your the current version of the Icebreaker, who can use corny pick-up lines like no buddy’s business, just be yourself. or a quieter version. The key is avoid rule #1, try not be called “Get out and don’t come back!” and you can go from knowing the bartender to the bartender knowing you. As far as the debate of Coin vs. Kind, who cares, have fun, ask her out and if she says No, you can thank my ex-wife, if she says Yes, you can thank me!

Icebreaker Out!